CHRONICLES OF PORT HARCOURT SUGAR MUMMIES

Sugar Mummy of Port Harcourt will invite you to church before inviting you to a party and then any other thing.

They mostly attend the church at Birabi Street . A great number attend Anglican, others are Catholics. An impressive thing about them is their religiosity. You will mistake them for successful pastors.

Sugar Mummies of Port Harcourt love to move around in cars with muscles; 4 runners, tundra or Ford trucks. A fraction drive Lexus RX 330. Rarely do you find them slim but some are. You can’t decide to dump her and go free but this is largely dependent on where she is from. Some can end you just a day after saying “I nor do again” and it won’t make the news.

If she is from Rivers South-East, she is an oil bunkerer with boys who work for her. Most of them from this area, especially from Tai or Gokana can fall in love with you, on their way to your house, buy foodstuffs and make you some nice native soup. She won’t tell you about her husband but you will Code everything if you have sense. She can even cry for you irrespective of the fact that her son is almost your age. She buys you things on demand and doesn’t engage in frivolous spending or partying. She is very reserved and saves your name on her phone as oil business and wouldn’t like it that you are working. She doesn’t want to see you with any other girl.

If she is from Rivers East, she is probably a director in one of the ministries or permanent secretary or just a political figure with contact. She has you and 3 other boys. Always on low cut with lines on her hair. Perhaps, her family has land. She will gift you two plots but will collect same from you if you misbehave. She will promise you government contract, perhaps NDDC and always changes meeting venues. Her son, not her husband, is your greatest foe. Maybe some archiva who still commands street respect from trigger-happy boys. It is very dangerous saying “I nor do again”

Rivers West? You are made. She likes you more if you drink. Will Likely introduce you to her daughters but don’t overstep with them. She hates you idle, so she fixes you in one company like that and buys you a Toyota corolla to ease your movement. She is likely an heiress who is trained in the act of incubating businesses, likes classy places like hotel presidential. Will periodically fly you out of town to Abuja or Lagos for a weekend groove. She doesn’t care where you live but will make sure you stay at a comfortable place. Don’t talk about work stress when you with her. She can take you and your girlfriend out and even take her out for shopping.

If she is from across the border, say Akwa Ibom, then she runs a restaurant or perhaps couple of restaurants and only have time during the weekend. She doesn’t care if you have a job or not. Her goal is pleasure.

If she from across Imo River, then she is the pious Catholic and she drives RX 330. Husband prolly has a building material shop at Mile 3 or a factory at Trans Amadi and she is a banker. Your weekend is for her taking. Will prolly give you 1.5 million to start a trade and that is all. She can call you up in the day to send her 2k MTN card to test your loyalty. Always calling you to buy her food from her favourite eatery and bring to her office.

~ Okenyi Kenechi