Ten types of workers who show up to the office every Monday
- Happy Halima:
Walks into the premises and starts greeting people from the gate. Gateman, good morning. Security people, good morning. How’s your family? Happy Monday. Did you sleep well? E ku life? I hope you went to church yesterday o.
Nothing can get her down. Nobody has ever seen her sad. We don’t know what this one buried in the office that makes her enjoy coming to work in such a cheerful mood, week after week.
- Irritable Idara:
Opposite of Happy Halima. Nobody gets a greeting from her. If her eyes and yours meet, she will eye you eh, hiss and start rearranging the files her table. Irritable Idara is better than all of you in the office. She shouldn’t be here. If not for the three marks from evil JAMB that made her not get the cut-off point to study Law in Uniuyo, would she be here managing office space with you people? No, dear. She would have been in her corner office at the World Trade Centre, with important people, making global, earth-altering policies.
- Sleepwalking Segun:
As his name indicates, Bro Sege is always in zombie mode. One time, he showed up to work in navy blue trousers, pink shirt, one brown dress shoe and one gray loafer, with his tie hanging on his shoulder. He is always shocked that it’s already Monday; Sege is convinced that someone fast-forwards Sundays. He’d rather be in bed than at work. He responds to everything with a nod and usually falls asleep in his cubicle before eleven o’clock. Nobody knows what he does during the weekends that leaves him so exhausted.
- Latecomer Lotanna
This one always arrives at the office twenty seconds before nine o’clock, armed with an armada of excuses. His brake failed. His grandfather died. The president traveled. Who wants to be a millionaire. Lucifer caused traffic. Rat ate his trousers. Pharisees paid Judas. The list of excuses is endless! And though he comes late, he’s usually the first to rush out of the office before closing time. Even Oga is tired of him.
- Pious Pyemwa:
If this one gets to the office before you, you’ll know it. Because Goya cooking oil disguised as anointing oil will be dripping everywhere, along with verbal sprinklings of the Blood of Jesus. Sister PP must pray before the start of work and everyone is included in her prayers, even Oga that banned her from doing fifteen-minute long prayers at the office meetings. They don’t know it, but as far as she’s concerned, it is her prayers, and not you people’s work that keeps that office running.
- Workaholic Werinipre:
This one most likely slept in the office or came in on Saturday to work. Doesn’t know how to rest and doesn’t fraternize with colleagues. WW’s head is always bent over his desk, working. Occasionally, he may lift it up and beg a female colleague to help him buy food at the canteen, so he can eat and work through lunch. The gist around the office is that he’s married to a woman in one far off state and will most likely be prompted again and die at work one day.
- Grapevine Gena and Transmitter Tigidam:
Guluma is her middle name; Amebo is his first name. Together, this couple are the office radios without batteries. They know everyone’s gist, both real and the ones they invented. No one has actually ever seen them work. Every three minutes, they’re at someone else’s desk, regaling them with the latest gist.
Do you know that Oga travelled with Isoken to Epe Resort this weekend? I heard that Maria in Accounting cooks watery soups for her husband. Did you hear what happened to Ukodo…that guy with big big pimples in Admin? This one no be dem-say, dem-say. I see am with my kọrọ-kọrọ eyes.
Both Grapevine Gloria and Transmitter Tony passionately hate Irritable Idara and Workaholic Werinipre.
- 8. Romantic Risa and Playboy Ponchak:
These two have an office romance that’s been going on for three months now. It is against the rules but you can’t help where you find love, abi? They’ve been keeping it a secret and Risa actually believes that no one is aware.
The entire office is aware. The woman who sells green fried rice and Maggi-cube sized meat at the canteen is aware. Even the dispatch rider is aware. They will not win the couple of the year because Risa is unaware; she will soon chop breakfast one of these days. Playboy Ponchak doesn’t play for long. Until then, we observe.
- 9. Messenger Mutum and Neat Nosa:
These are the backbones of the office. Mutum runs every errand; buy food, take this file there, check if Oga is around, madam someone is here to see you, and so on and so forth. Messenger Mutum is humble and wise. She rakes in twice her salary in errand tips because of her amiable disposition. She’s been occasionally known to dispense sound words of advice to the other workers. She deserves more but is contented with her life for now.
Nosa is the office cleaner and makes sure everywhere is neat at the end of the day and even does a little dusting before the office opens in the morning. Sometimes he’s grumpy; other times he’s jolly. Nobody knows anything about Nosa, not even Gena and Tigidam. Nosa fades into the woodwork but if he were to miss work, everyone would notice.
- 10. Comedian Ciroma:
From the moment the office opens at eight o’clock till it closes by four, CC runs a full comedy show. Everyone gets along with him, even Irritable Idara and Workaholic Werinipre, who constantly wonders how this fellow gets any work done. Pious Pwemya thinks he jokes too much but it’s okay. He and Happy Halima are fast friends. The office would truly be drab without them.
Written by Eketi Edima Ette 2022.